Sirius' Wicked Revenge
by SStar Luna
Summary: Sequel to Sirius' Naughty Habit. Sirius has found the perfect way to get revenge on his lover whilst doing something good and naughty. How could Harry complain? A challenge is agreed between the two and it's left to Harry to find out just who will star in the eleven remaining slots. Will he succeed or will Sirius succeed and keep it from Harry until the end? Slash and het pairings.


**Sirius' Wicked Revenge**

**Rating: **M for bad language mainly and perhaps some sexual situations.

**Pairings:** Harry/Sirius, Bill/Severus, other TBA

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything except the plot. All Harry Potter™ characters and settings are the sole intellectual property of JK Rowling, Warner Bros. and various others who all aren't connected to me in any way. No money is being made with this fanfiction and no copyright infringement is intended.

**Summary:** Sequel to _**Sirius' Naughty Habit**_ although I don't think it's necessary to read the original story (which still needs editing I know!). Weekly-ish updated expected.

This is based on a dialogue-only (and occasional articles/letter) style which I know isn't everyone's cup of tea but I'm using it as a linguistic choice. It gives, I hope, the flexibility to readers to imagine reactions, faces and gestures as well as locations within the framework of the chapter. I hope you enjoy!

-ooOOoo00ooOOoo—

**Chapter 1 – Mr January: Britain's sexist curse breaker**

"Ooph!"

"Harry! Bloody hell you went arse over tit there, are you okay?" "Harry!"

"Merlin, Sirius! Fuck … no, Bill! Stay where you are, no need to … I'm fine, you don't need to …"

"Bill, stay just where you were just like that, I'll be back in a moment. Just as soon as I get troll-legs here into the kitchen and sorted."

-ooOOoo00ooOOoo—

"What the fuck, Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"That innocent face doesn't work with me anymore! Why is Bill Weasley in our living room, which incidentally looks like a cross between an crypt and an Egyptian whore house … and isn't that something that's going to be a bitch to clean up in the morning!"

"It doesn't look that bad!"

"And that's not even near the top of the list of questions I have for you, Black! Why do you have a camera? Where's our furniture? Why on Godric's wrinkly arse is Bill naked and was he … _**sparkly**_?"

*snort*

*glare*

"Harry love, that's your most important question? Why is Bill sparkly?"

"Yes, sparkly and well, kinda sweaty and hot. And was he wearing eyeliner and some other muck on his eyes? What the freaking fuck is going on? And naked … in our house. Bill – I can hear you laughing from here! Stop it! Sirius – start explaining or you're going to spend the next week in the doghouse."

"But we don't have a doghouse."

"I'll buy one. Start explaining!"

"It's not how it looks, Harry. Wait, wait, wait! Put your wand away!"

"Did you know that Aunt Kitty taught me a whole bunch of interesting spells after she found out about us? She thought it best I had a repertoire after muttering something about you and your hormones when you were at school. Honestly, I've no idea how she managed to survive being your Head of House!"

"No, no! It's perfectly harmless, love. I'm only taking some photos for this thing that I'm doing. I know it looks really bad but I promise it isn't. It's just bad luck that you walked in just at that moment, I mean, I was just adjusting the tilt of Bill's hips so I could get his best angle what with the lighting and all … but you know I wouldn't do anything. It's always just you …"

"Sirius you're not making things any better and you can't sweet-talk me into forgetting what's going on in the other room. Hmmm, I remember there was this one spell in particular Minnie said I _had_ to be able to cast correctly on the first go. She made me practice until I could do it as well as the disarming spell. Did you know that I could neuter you from 100 yards away and wouldn't miss!"

"Merlin's scraggly balls! Look, it's all innocent, Harry. For a really good cause, I was going to tell you once I'd finished the project. I thought you'd love it!"

"You bastard, you thought I'd love the idea of you and Bill, in _**our**_ house! Not to mention …"

"You're not listening to me, this isn't what it looks like! Don't get hysterical on me!"

"_**Sirius Orion Black**_!"

"Bloody hell, that almost hit me!"

"I meant to … that time! Call me hysterical you arsehole? _**Hysterical**_? You remember I could kick your arse from here to Hogwarts without breaking a sweat …"

"Sirius, put the poor bloke out of his misery."

"And _YOU_! Does Severus know you're here? With Sirius? Naked? Do you both have a deathwish?"

"Ah … well, that would be a no. I wanted to surprise him."

"Harry, love. Please put that wand away, you know I love you and only you and Bill here has something wrong in the head given he's screwing around with that greasy haired, hook-nosed …"

"Sirius!"

"Bill, out! I'll deal with you in a minute. Sirius, unless you have a damned good explanation …"

"IthoughtIwouldorganiseandsellacharitycalendarwith hotfitnakedmeninandmakelotsofmoneyforthekids!"

"What the hell? Try that again but make sense this time!"

"Charity calendar. Bill is Mr January! Give a sense of musky strength, hot sand and smouldering sexiness to offset the cold, snow-laden start to the year."

"Oh Sirius, you prat! You didn't think to mention this to me before I walked in on you and Bill up close and personal, with your hands on his hips and goodness knows where else you could cop a feel, you dirty bastard! And have you been reading Mills & Boons? Where do you come up with phrases like smouldering sexiness? Who talks like that nowadays?"

"So you're not going to hex my balls off anymore?"

"No you daft prat! A calendar for who?"

"For St. Mungos."

"Uh huh. Keep going."

"Well I thought with so much free time on my hands and well I wanted to do something that lived up to my reputation, after all, I am Sirius Black, the prankster, prison escapee and all round bad boy."

"Sirius, you're rambling."

"Yeah, well you make me nervous with that look you've got. It's like you've been taking lessons from Minerva. You have, haven't you?"

"…"

"Okay no need to glare like that otherwise I might just jump you right now!"

"In your dreams, Padfoot. Back to the point."

"Ah yes. So I thought what if I got a bunch of hot, sexy wizards to pose for the calendar and got that published with all proceeds going to the children's ward at St Mungos."

"For a good cause."

"Absolutely, Harry. See I knew you'd agree. So I made up a list of hot men and Bill kindly agreed to be Mr January, we decided on the theme and you walked in just as I was trying to get that _perfect _shot. You know, the one that will get all those witches and wizards hot and bothered."

"Right ho, and on that note, why a _**naked**_ calendar over people being, you know, clothed and not naked in my living room? Where anyone could have walked in on you two?"

"More sales meaning more for the poor, sick, little kiddies?"

*huff*

"Harry, do you forgive me?"

"You know what I still don't understand. Why couldn't you have told me all this before, you know, I walked in and saw you and Bill and his … well his _everything_!"

"I wasn't sure you'd take it well?"

"Are you serious?"

"Always, Harry!"

"Git! And you're going to be taking all the photos?"

"Well you know I've had lots of practice, and you've loved the ones I took of you and me when we …"

"Yeah, yeah, no need to say any more! Well I admit you are talented with a camera, Padfoot."

"In _many_ ways. Want a demo?"

"Not now. Bill's still in the next room. Probably freezing his balls off since he hasn't a stitch on!"

"He's a wizard, he can cast a heating charm!"

"Padfoot! Get away from me you horny old dog!"

"Since when have you been a prude?"

"Since if I let you do what you're thinking of right now, right here, Bill will hear, probably see and will then tell Sev!"

"…"

"Ha, didn't think you could turn that shade of green without a prank being involved! Sink's over there, Black. Don't you dare throw up on me!"

"Merlin's arse, I did not need _that_ mental image."

"He's not that bad looking, you know. Bill is very complimentary about his skills in the bedroom and his recovery …"

"Oh stop for the love of Godric, Harry! I'm far too sweet and innocent to hear anything remotely connected to Snape's sex …"

"You are at the opposite end of innocent, so much so that … you know, let's leave that conversation for now. Perhaps instead you should get Bill sorted. I'd like to have my living room back in its proper place."

"Yeah, yeah."

"Shoo!"

"I'm such a lucky wizard. My young, sexy and hot lover is happy to let me take semi-obscene photographs of naked men."

"Well I could always cast an impotence charm on you just in case, Padfoot. Aunt Kitty made sure I knew that one too!"

"Minnie is evil! I always suspected it."

"More like a protective lioness. You should also know she taught me all about how to keep a certain Marauder on a leash."

"Kinky, Harry, kinky."

"Don't tempt me, Sirius."

"Best get back to Bill and get that perfect shot and then may I take you out for dinner, Mr Potter?"

"Sounds good. Dinner at that new place on Diagon and then perhaps a late night film at that little Muggle cinema we like?"

"It's a date, love."

"Sirius?"

"Yes?"

"Who's Mr February?"

"That's a secret!"

"Padfoot!"

"What? You wouldn't want me to ruin the whole calendar line-up for you, would you?"

"You know I'll find out."

"Perhaps, eventually … when it's published."

"You can't keep secrets from me, Sirius!"

"Unlike you, you mean?"

"Who, me?"

"Ha! Your innocent face needs more work, love. You didn't think I'd find out, did you?"

"…"

"Harry, you own a publishing house!"

"Ah."

"Uh huh."

"Padfoot …"

"Consider this my wicked revenge, love. Greengrass has agreed to publish the calendar for me so you'll just need to wait for the grand reveal!"

"Is that a challenge, Sirius?"

"If you want it to be, Potter."

"And my reward if I find out who and what theme you're doing for each month?"

"Anything you like, love."

"Challenge accepted!"

"Oh Harry, you sexy thing … come here!"

"Sirius! What about Bill!"

"Oh don't worry about me, I'm enjoying the view!"

"Bill!" "Piss off, Weasley!"

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Next time … Mr February. Any thoughts on which wizard it may be?

_**SStar**_


End file.
